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March 2005 Edition ---- to page back through Previous Editions click here

We continue with our GOSFAR awards project. Greatest Officially Sanctioned, Fake, Accounting Reports. We expect to have the nominations soon but first it might be prudent to try and give some attention to acceptance speeches. There is a tendency for them to mar such ceremonies even although they are well intentioned. So it would perhaps be appropriate to give an outline of what might best suit this occasion for the benefit of the victors. It can be tailored a little to suit the individual circumstances. The aim should be to tell a little of interesting aspects of the craft. Here goes:

"I would like to thank the accounting profession for their support, in putting ethics in the Too Hard basket, for allowing domination of the big firms, and for apparently choosing their office bearers based upon the number of children they have and which charity or community organisation they give support to. And for generally being too focused on individual duties to fulfill their responsibilities to the big picture.

"I would like to thank the big accounting firms for their protection. Economic muscle is a big advantage in getting one's way in the current legal climate. The support that they are able to get from proclaimed international accounting organisations in supplying high status jobs for our countrymen and countrywomen to prop up the lunging reputation is almost out of this world.

" I would like to thank the politicians for their co-operation. We prepare and audit public sector and quasi public sector accounts to give them the credibility to tide them over, and they proclaim high status on us so that the credibility can survive. It is a great working relationship. It has been assisted by the Labour Party swerving to right to overtake National in the 1980s. Both have become nicely understanding as a result and they don't argue over issues concerning us.

" I would like to thank the accounting academics for generally seeing the merits of our fine work and keeping any protests feeble and mitigated. Ever since Muldoon castigated the Otago University economics professor in the 70s you have well appreciated where your bread is buttered.

" I would also like to thank the law enforcement authorities for going along with my cover so readily. If anyone arranges the slightest trickle of funds into their pocket from a non-authorising source they stand to be in big trouble from law enforcers. The secret of course is to have an "employer" or "client" who is in on the act, and gets some of the spoil. They are safe because they are leaving things to their accountant which is the done thing. You can then have a river of deceived people's funds flowing into your pocket via the client, under the label of "fees" or "salary" which makes a great mask. Law enforcers either think these terms spell "respectability" or feel that they can rely on the public so thinking. But the client or employer is sure to arrange a termination if the deceit and its proceeds are not forthcoming and ongoing when wanted. There is no free lunch.

" Our services depend much on our status, and on our wealth which gives us legal invincibility, but it also important that we get many associated persons to a project and potential critics "mixed up in it" at an early stage. This is usually done by letting them believe that they are about to miss out on money for jam. Implicit mutual blackmail is an important tool for success.

" (build up to crescendo)And finally might I ease my conscious by pouring scorn on those who think that society operates by setting fair rules and requiring compliance with them. Such people are the fodder on which I feed. They deserve not a penny in their pocket and I strive hard to make this the case. Mine is a calling of personal conviction and not that of the Courts. (1000 decibels and hand in the air) I salute my own invincibility: Thank you and Don't Mess."

We are of course not trying to put words in any winner's mouth and the outlook of actual winners could be completely different.

Accounting is a prime consideration in the big political issue concerning the Wananga or Learning Institute. The Minister of Education has made veiled reference to Enron when referring to the auditing. This wananga is a public institution and the same old tricks come to the fore when public institutions are entrusted to private governors and management. The ACT party generally acknowledges that it is in support of rich people but that does not seem to apply to the newly rich wananga executives. Act had a different approach to the Winebox defendants who would seem to be up to similar antics. Those defendants got vindicated by a Commission of Enquirey (which the Wananga people want) but subsequently got vilified by the Courts except that the Court delined to take further action siting some clever legal loophole which seemed to be poorly defined. Accountants should be at the forefront of this issue.

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